Let's face it, when it comes to being critiqued we all want praise. Anything else is thought to be hurtful, hateful, or mean. Sometimes, the lessons we need to learn the most are the most painful. Oftentimes, this pain comes from people we thought loved us or at least had our backs. It is so much nicer when someone comes into our lives to show us how to have a good time, isn't it?
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In school as the student progresses from one grade level to the next, teachers come and go. It is simply the way school works. The impermanence is a constant, accepted state of being. The student is instructed, corrected, graded and graduates to the next level. In adulthood, the same coming and going of people can be a constant source of hurt and insecurity. The lessons become more personal and internalized. The system changes to a pass/fail, and our mentality is all or nothing. Advancing to the next level is more subtle.
As a college student working in retail, I had a wonderful department manager. He never openly criticized any of his staff. He would just make a simple statement, observe the reaction and move on. I well remember him coming up to a group of us who were chatting and saying, "You know, Gang, it's amazing that when the mouth opens, the eyes go shut." In that moment we realized that our conversation had blinded us to the customers who needed our assistance. Under his tutelage, I advanced from part-time, to full time sales associate.
Life lessons don't always come as easy. The confrontations to our egos are the toughest. These are the ones that are the pass/fail classes. Sometimes love relationships evolve into solid friendships, if we allow them. Ususally we don't. We dig in our heels with the ultimatum, "If you don't love me, you must hate me." There are fights and arguments until all feelings of love and friendship are destroyed. By trying to "stake a claim," we utilize a "scorched earth policy" that benefits no one. I am guilty of this one. I once was involved with an actor-singer-dancer who came into my life at the best time and the worst time of my life. I was absolutely obsessed with him. At his 40th birthday party, I met quite a number of former beaus he has retained as really good friends. Afterwards, I told my dancer, that if we were to break up I wasn't joining the chorusline of old lovers. I was a headliner or else I wouldn't be in the show. My all or nothing attitude has caused me to miss out any possible life sharing because we did break up. I learned the hard way that one person can't argue another person to remain in a love relationship. It isn't a court case. Since then, I have had the opportunity to be on the receiving end of the love ultimatum. I didn't like it; it also didn't work. We are, however, still friends. This is why I say that the dancer came into my life at the wrong time. I wasn't really ready for the relationship. I wish I had had the last experience first, and then I might have responded more appropriately to the dancer who offered, "Isn't something better than nothing?" I said no, when I should have at least said maybe.
Occassionally, the life lesson brings with it a sense of betrayal. The teacher is someone we really respect and like. We think this person has our back. Then something occurs that disproves that theory in our minds. We get blind-sighted and "hit by a bus" when we should have at least had some sort of warning that the bus was coming. Such cases, I believe carry lessons for both individuals involved. The person the bus hit gets a "rude awakening," but it's an awakening just the same. The driver of the bus is given a lesson in tact, diplomacy, and the meaning of friendship through the loss of the sacrificed friend. Once again, a lesson in communication was failed because of an all or nothing stance.
I suppose the bottom line here can best be summed up with my favorite expression: Whenever you're up to your neck in crap, keep you mouth shut and look for the pony! The pony may have created the mess, but it's also your ride out of it, and a step closer to living a legendary life.
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