(Off-stage there are sounds of jostling, shoving and whispering.) What do you mean I have to go on instead? I can’t go on. I don’t talk in public; I have nothing to say. Get one of the others to do it. Not me. God!
Announcer
And so, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that we present to you, Gabriel. Let’s have a warm welcome for this outstanding archangel! (The audience applauds.)
Harold
(Harold comes out on stage as though he’s been forcibly pushed. He’s a nerdy looking guy and appears to be quite shy.) I’m not who you were expecting. I am not who you came to see. I am not Gabriel. Gabriel has been detained. Actually, Gabriel isn’t even here…well, he was here but he isn’t now. He had to go somewhere. He was called away. Actually, he was here…oh, I said that already. He, uh, he got mad and stormed out. Yes, he left here in quite a fury. (To someone in the wings.) Well, I think they deserve to know what happened. They paid to see him and now they won’t. They deserve the truth. (To the audience.) The truth is, ladies and gentlemen that Gabriel overheard a joke someone told about him and it made him angry. I don’t know why; it was just a little joke. Well…someone said that when it comes to news you can tel-ephone, tel-agraph or tell Gabriel. (Laughs weakly.) It was just a small joke; nothing to get all pissy about…it’s true, of course. Just let God say something about someone or something at dinner and Gabriel takes off like a jet to announce it to the world! That’s what he does. He’s a good speaker. He’s very good at making announcements; it’s his job. He’s made a career out of telling people things, like Louella Parsons or Hedda Hopper. Oh, I guess these days I should compare him to Liz Smith or Barbara Walters. Absolutely nothing wrong with telling gossip as long as it’s true. Gabriel always says if something is true it’s news and not gossip at all. Anyway, he took offense and took off.
Me? My name is Harold…that’s right, Harold Angel. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: Hark! That Harold Angel sings. I get that all the time; I’m not psychic or anything. Sadly, no. I don’t sing, can’t sing. I can’t carry a song in a bucket as you say. During services I just stand there and lip-sync. I don’t’ know why really. Everyone knows I can’t sing, have been forbidden from singing, so I’m not fooling anyone. I guess the boss thinks it helps to make me be part of the group. Silly, really. I shouldn’t have said that! The boss hears and sees everything. He’s older than dirt, but he doesn’t miss a thing, the lilies of the field, a sparrow…but you know all that.
In addition to not singing, I also can’t dance. I guess I missed out on the music and rhythm gene altogether! Speaking of angels dancing, will you take a good look at me? (He turns in a circle so the audience can see him from all sides, like he's modelling an outift.) I am one of the smaller angels. The others are much, much bigger than me. Now can you really imagine one thousand of us dancing on the head of a pin? Where do you get these notions? Oh! And speaking of things you believe that aren’t true. What is with all the bell ringing that you do? Some old movie tells you that “every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings” and you take that as gospel! You aren’t giving us wings. You’re giving us headaches. What do you think we are a bunch of celestial caterpillars, wingless until some idiot…sorry, no offense, but can you hear how irritating it is? Angels are created complete. Nothing develops on our person as time goes on. Where we are there is no time.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. It’s been bugging me for eternity! As I said before, I’m one of the smaller angels, nothing special about me, just your average angel. I tend to blend in, as you can or cannot see. (Giggles.) I don’t ever deal with people, or even with the grander angels for that matter. I’m what you might call a personal assistant. No that’s too important sounding. Maybe I’m a go-for. No that also implies a little more importance that I have. No, I’m more of an elf, I suppose. They get no respect. We work hard doing what bits need doing in such a way that the Grand Ones are left with the impression they must have done it themselves and somehow forgot. We are the ones who are never to be seen, not be to heard, but who step and fetch and like tonight, fill in on a moment’s notice. Wow, speech is power. I shouldn’t be venting like this, but here on stage and actually being ordered to speak I’m thinking of all kinds of things I want to say! (Glancing around, he suddenly realizes that he is being observed and heard by the boss. He resumes after this awkward pause.) Enough about me, I’m meant to be telling you Gabriel’s story.
Gabriel is a big, strapping angel, archangel. He works with Michael, Raphael, and Ariel. The guardians are the angels you come in contact with, they watch over you and the other creatures of Earth. The Guardians of Heaven are the Seraphim. You would think they look like fire-breathing snakes, something out of Harry Potter’s world. You don’t want to mess around with them, believe you me. Best not even to talk about them. I just wanted to be clear about the type of angels you’re dealing with when we speak of Gabriel. There use to be another member of their group, Samiel. You know how even now when you see John Travolta walk you can hear the Bee Gees singing “Staying Alive?” He just has that beat going on with his walk. Well, with this band of angels, you hear “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” Just wait until you see them next and see if you don’t hear it, too! After the boss got all of us together, he told us rule number one is that he is the boss. There is not now nor ever will be anyone else we should bow down to. Suddenly he encounters Mankind and tells us we are to bow to them, too. Samiel had a problem with this. He loved the boss more than anything. He would do anything for him, but he absolutely refused to honor Mankind as he would the boss. So the boss told him to take a hike. Isn’t that how youse guys on the Jersey shore would say he got thrown out? By the way, you know Samiel as Lucifer. He uses an alias, though I don’t know why since the boss knows who he is and where he is at all times. Guess it makes him feel safer. I think it was all a tempest in a teapot anyway. The boss soon got over Mankind and had them escorted off the estate. That was one of Gabriel’s first assignments.
It wasn’t long, though, before the boss eyes this new guy named Daniel. Ah, Daniel! Now there was one good looking Jew. If we had known Daniel when the boss said we had to honor Mankind, we would have all bent over for that one! What am I saying, bent over, I meant to say bow down. Daniel was as smart as he was handsome and he was built like the Eastern Wall! Solid, you know, small gate for a tight, exclusive entry. At any rate, Daniel was royalty on top of everything else. His parents sent him to the Babylonian court so he could get an education, learn diplomacy, and be a voice for Jews who didn’t exactly chose to leave Israel, you know what I mean? Gabriel had seniority and his eye on Daniel. He decided that he would make Daniel a star. He taught him the art of interpreting dreams. When Daniel was called before the Babylonian king to hear his disturbing dream, Gabriel was there, whispering to Daniel what the king needed to know. Later on, the Queen awoke screaming one night because there was some kind of mysterious writing all over her bedroom walls. None of her attendants or sons could read this to know what the message was. Gabriel had written it while she slept and then told Daniel what it said, so he could be the hero of the day. The message was that the king was going to be killed in battle, so the son needed to be prepared to take over. So now you know why people say you should read the writing on the wall when you’re about to be fired from a job or dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend. You know something else I always thought was a bit queer? This Babylonian Captivity of the Jews? Daniel had free access to the royal family, to the royal court through it all. Daniel was indeed the Star of the Middle East. When the Jews were allowed to return to the land of Israel, Daniel stayed behind. No one ever really understood why. For once, Mary Hart kept his mouth shut!
When the boss decided that a woman named Elizabeth was to have a baby even though she was passed the child bearing age, Gabriel could not wait to start spreading the news. When Zechariah heard this he didn’t believe it and didn’t want the story told. Zechariah was a member of the priesthood. He was too old to be a father and considered this to be the worst gossip. Gabriel was quite indignant and said that if the father to be didn’t want to talk about the pregnancy he wouldn’t talk about anything at all. Gabriel silenced him until after the baby was born, lest a curse be leveled at the child or its mother.
Elizabeth’s cousin Mary was also the subject of Gabriel’s happy news. Not yet married she was told she too was having a baby. Not great news in those times to be an unwedded mother, even if she was engaged. So Gabriel convinced Joseph not only to proceed with their wedding plans, but to do it quickly.
Funny thing about Gabriel is that he never contacted the parents afterwards. He never had any contact with either of the boys nor the men they grew to be. He simply withdrew. Both men were murdered with no one to protect them or to come to their aid. No one heard from Gabriel again until a particular man with a camel caravan caught his eye. This man was very devoted to the boss and wanted badly to know him and to know what the boss wanted him to do. The boss had been so busy with the sons of Isaac that he had neglected the sons of Ishmael. Gabriel was going to change that.
The man from the caravan had been orphaned and raised by the Bedouins until he was finally adopted by an uncle. Since he had stayed with the Bedouins longer than was the usual custom for wet-nursing, the man had never learned to read. This meant Gabriel had to repeat the lesson over and over until the man had it memorized. For someone who loves the sound of his voice as much as Gabriel, this shouldn’t have been a problem. However, the man kept straying off topic wanting to know more about the messenger at times more than the message. He wanted to see Gabriel, to know what he really looked like out of his disguise. Gabriel told him to be happy with the disguise because the real Gabriel would be too much for him and to stick to the sura at hand. Finally, in exasperation and anger, Gabriel threw off his disguise and showed the man just how big and powerful and terrible his is. The man went running from the cave where they had met for these lessons in sheer terror. When he arrived home, he locked himself in his bedroom. He refused to see anyone or to eat or drink anything. His wife thought he would surely die. Even seeing, he couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t comprehend the enormous presence of Gabriel. If the boss had paid him a visit instead of Gabriel, the man probably would have died. Best to know what you ask for because you will get it.
I suppose in this light, you’re lucky Kitty Kelly left the building. The moment a cell phone would go off, he would have, too.
At some point during this holiday season, I’m sure you’ll either ask God or ask Santa for the things you want, for things you need. Remember to ask for that and then a little bit more. The little bit more is so that you can fulfill your greatest need, the need to give to others, to be generous. I think of all the things Gabriel would have told you tonight, he would have told you to be kind to one another. Generosity is how you throw off your disguise and show the world how enormous your being truly is. How legendary you are!
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